made this little place for y'all / myself, hope u like it
make a website!! it takes some effort but it's not nearly as hard as u think, and all our options for social media are literally cointelpro psyop spyware so!! might be a good idea to start moving off of them. feel free to steal my code for a nice simple (mostly) single-page structure. w3schools is a great resource for learning all the basics.
also while i have you here, spotify is both whack and evil, switch to tidal fr. it's the same price, they pay artists more, the sound quality is noticeably better, and u can transfer all ur precious playlists and whatnot for a small fee. if ur paying for spotify every month u can afford it don't worry. a little bit of inconvenience won't kill u i promise
ok ok i'll stop ranting. imo this will all look better on an actual computer--firefox in particular makes some lil details work. but do what u want, i'm not your dad. and your dad shouldn't tell u what to do either.
stay a while,
~m
it lives as lavishly in my lungs and letters
as it festers in you:
entangled as we are where you spin
i tumble too
when the sinking Something seeps
to fill the cracks in you
my love it sinks me too
it's not the scars that i resent
along your tangled arms
tucked behind your mother's eyes
not the anguish i lament
loss held
and dealt in turn
but the lack of tears strewn
across your own abundant body
and the love you spill so recklessly
into any heart but yours
still
this cool August still flowers
crisp without falling
mist without rain
sleeping you hear waves
crash in place
for once or again you are changing
haze clearing cataracts
and nothing
ends
everything
happens
without warning
same time tomorrow?
the turbulence is built in and you,
my love are taking shelter
in a sea
of new life city blocks
streets awash and eyes clouded
with a good too much
you fear you can’t control anything
and i reassure you
it’s true: not even you.
you thank me in big words
and soft hands
and a push
out the door
Hypocrite Seeks a Way Out
You want to write but you don’t
read.
You want to listen but you don’t
speak.
You want to be loved but you don’t
like it.
You want to be everything but you won’t
just be.
You want to be good but you can’t
You are.
premonition on campus
in Princeton today I am dying.
trees totter in cool suits
waiting for the fall
in Princeton today more are hungry
than you’re willing to know
living in lobbies, dying
more than the rest
in Princeton today light is gray
deer know something’s different
and don’t say a word
in Princeton today I am not really dying
but the plants and the streets and the people
who make them will be
soon.
It is work to stay warm. I want to be
in my hands in a mouth that laughs
as gently as I feel. I want to tell
you in every cell and sound
I know. I see.
I always will be.
I will crack
and joke, I will sing and swear
You are safe.
~
the answers are small:
plucked strings,
old sun in open doors.
a cat’s slow curled breath.
desperation and a willingness
to sleep. a few tears,
a good show.
~
If I had it right now I would change everything I could think to change pierce ears and nostrils create a thick armor of symbols I could never take off dye my hair or cut it off I don’t care I’ve been me for centuries and I can’t change that but I can change everything else I’d paint my nails black and shallow learn to really play piano start talking louder like I don’t give a fuck who hears love more softly and truly there’s always been something dishonest about passion like who are you really trying to convince?
But I don’t have money so I won’t do any of that even the parts that are free instead I’ll kiss a boy with a sharp jawline drink rum and cokes that just taste like rum ruin my white shoes smoking with girls I don’t know by a lake I’ve never seen even though I live here run and run and run til I’m running down my own face unable to keep those smiles and eyes in my head they’ll slide and tumble into the road and I’ll be faceless but at least I’ll exist and at least I won’t love anyone as much as I love everyone I don’t make eye contact with on the bus.
He glows awkwardly in
Pajamas in my doorway;
My love ruffles her wings.
A gift to her is a long con,
A promise held hard
That another shoe will drop.
To be given two soft
Socks with no warning
Attached is unbearable.
She cries into my shoulder
When Dad leaves. He bustles,
Humming through my childhood
Home.
A sock to him is a sock,
And nothing less.
the earth what swallows you shall in turn spit you out greenand unafraid.
i get why all those great writers were drunks
and depressed i never wrote more truth and light
than when i wanted to die.
only a year ago feels solar systems away
the distance between my center and someone else’s
now i’m ‘healthy’ in this fog of inexpressibility
even this feels false i hope that’s self-imposed.
feelings are thinner now i think i could blow
them away like tragic cobwebs
i miss the spiders i wish they’d come home.
today I am weak.
as cold tea, as an excuse,
poised to spill.
I fail to force smiles,
admit a migraine
before noon. I am
a poor host but I beg
it remove its shoes.
today I am pale.
as a waning bruise, as a cracking
egg. new fall's
hands are full of wind,
knowing, maybe, I
can take no more.
a kind sun warms,
weakens me into sleep.
thursday december 18, '25 - at work; trying not to kill my boss
damn, accidentally deleted several of these little entries. not that they were important--one of them just said "redacted." but i'll have to be a little more careful working on this. it's closer to using a typewriter than google docs or something. at least need to be careful saving. can't undo once you've saved changes. ~oo metaphorical wow~
i'm not gonna kill my boss. i'd never do that. u know me i'm a chill guy.
anyway. that's all i wanted to say bye.
~m
thursday april 24, '25 - sunny day; at work
i discovered a few years ago that i've developed something close to expertise in customer service. i didn't mean to--i've just been working as a server, or customer service rep, or library assistant since i was sixteen. but i think beyond that, i'm a bit obsessed with smoothing the rough edges of social interaction. to an unhealthy degree, lowkey. a lot of my life's work is gonna be exposing myself to conflict, and the messiness that inevitably comes with close relationships.
feels weird to have a focus! a skillset, an expertise. i mean, i have an english degree because i couldn't figure out what the fuck else to do. couldn't narrow down my scattered interests into something specific that i wanted to do. but here i am. i make things smooth for people. i read their minds and voices and body language to figure out the clearest way to explain something completely new to them. i hedge and fawn and assert when necessary, and i do everything i can to make sure no one's upset or unsatisfied. it doesn't always work.
ok really though it's not that deep. i enforce bureaucracy at a shitty elitist university for a paycheck. but i am good at it. and i try to keep my eclectic jack-of-all-trades nature intact. i hope u can see a bit of it here.
~m
if u know me, hit me up, seriously. whoever you are i'd be really happy to hear from you.
if you don't know me, idk send me an email - benedict7m@gmail.com
regardless of your knowledge of me or lack thereof you should follow my letterboxd to witness me being smart & dumb & pretentious about movies. it's a good time.